Precious

I saw Mercy at school again today. I know this is stupid but I get mad when she tries to bundle up W or ask if I should take her backpack for her because it's too heavy for her. I ALWAYS bundle up W very well and I ALWAYS carry her backpack for her. I love Mercy and I know she just wants the best for W, but she worries so much about everything.

I took W to her tutor, B, today, but the mom hasn't adjusted the time of her lesson and with the late school dismissal, W only got half an hour instead of 45 minutes. I feel as if W is really opening up though. She's much less shy with me when I pick her up at school and she's more enthusiastic about things she's done at school. She even went as far as to say "school is so fun!" today. I think my jaw hit the floor of the cab.

I had gotten a bagel before I picked up W as a quick bite to eat. I love bagels but I know how bad they are for you. The only problem is there's a really good bagel place right by the girls' school and it's the only quick food around there so I've been getting bagels more often than I normally would. I saved the bagel to eat for when I was waiting at B's but Mercy and M came after I had only had 2 bites. M told me she didn't get to eat all of her lunch so I shared my bagel with her since I knew she was trying to tell me she was hungry. It used to be that Mercy would bring W home when she was done and I would wait for M to be done and bring her home. I loved that because I would get an hour and a half to read and have quiet time. Now W's been asking me to go home with her and Mercy stays to bring M home. It gives Mercy about 45 minutes to nap in the lobby though and she deserves those 45 minutes.

I gave W a bite of my bagel at home but she had her own snack so that's all she got. I saved the last few bites of my bagel for M for when she got home and it made me feel better that I hadn't eaten the whole thing by myself. W was being a sweetheart again. She was being funny and attentive and respectful and said all her pleases and even put her clothes in the hamper by herself without waiting for me to do it. She told me about this crystal pin she lost that she was really sad about and when I asked her how long it had been lost she said 10 years. I looked at her with this grin and whispered, "you've only been alive for 5 years".

W reminds me a lot of myself in the sense that she always knows exactly where everything is and she makes lists all the time. She does what I did when I was a kid- she writes all the words she knows how to spell. She also has a photographic memory and can tell me which bag her plastic fish are in that I've never seen before. When she listens to her books on CD, she remembers the words and can read through it in the book so much more quickly. I'm amazed at how much she retains from hearing it.

I gave the girls their bath together once M came home. They fought the entire time and it was so hard to get them to get along. M is really good at sassing and W is really good at whining and yelling, so the combination makes for a splendid evening. I want to stop giving them their baths together because they haven't been able to take a bath together without fighting recently. They used to play together so nicely. I'm not sure where we went wrong.

I've been noticing that M has been really glum lately. She's always saying how today was a bad day and that she's not sure why she's feeling so sad. Once she and her sister start fighting she gets in this bad mood that can't be shaken and she points it out. I have to pinch her cheeks and get up in her bubble and tickle her to get any sort of smile out of her.

She was fine once dinner was ready. Even though her mom doesn't do any of the cooking, she's really good at making it look very presentable. She does a good job of displaying the food on their plates to make it pretty. I told her so and she said they eat more when it looks nice. She's really growing on me. She's not as bad as I made her out to be. The girls were showing me things and telling me stories throughout dinner when I would walk through to clear their plates or peel their apples. It seems as if they want me around more and that's nice. They got very curious about their parent's wedding during dinner so we looked through the photo album of their wedding pictures. That was really neat to see their parents back then. Her wedding dress was HUGE. She honestly looked like a wedding cake topper or like a huge cupcake.

When they went in the bathroom to brush their teeth, M sat up on the window ledge which always scares me. One would have to physically unlock the window for it to open but it still frightens me when they lean against it in fear of it opening and them falling. M sat up there and said, "I feel like jumping out the window". Considering how gloomy she's been lately that really upset and scared me. I told her to never, ever, ever say that. I went over to her and grabbed her around the waist and told her she was too special a person to talk like that. I told her she was precious and she said she didn't feel like it. She said, "I feel opposite of everything. People tell me I'm precious and smart and I don't feel precious or smart". It broke my heart into a million pieces and I wanted to smother her in hugs and kisses and make her feel amazing. I swear I could see little tears in her eyes.

Then she smiled and asked me to brush her teeth, so I did. Then W wanted me to brush her teeth so I did. I tried to forget about what M had just said but it was hard for me to.

Then T came and W and I did our activity workbook sheets. I gave her 6 scholar dollars tonight, she did so well. She did a great job reading in bed too. I love when she reads and I love helping her sound out the words. It feels really good to know you're helping someone learn how to read. She snuggled against me again while I read Cinderella from her ballet story book. W and I are forming this sweet bond that feels so full of love. It's changed so much from what it used to be like.

For my goodnight hug she told me to stand back from the bed and she ran off of the bed into my arms with a huge leap. Then she wanted to do the elephant which I taught her and her mom walked in while she was hanging upside down and freaked out. I told her I had her and she was fine but I can see why that would look scary. While her legs were wrapped around my waist and I was holding her up, we did our eskimo kiss and our butterfly kiss. She said "eyes" which was butterfly kiss and then she said "nose" which was eskimo kiss. It's something small that I share with her that makes me feel closer to her. I should teach M those kisses too.

I read Harry Potter to M and she was in a much better mood than she was earlier. Before I left for the evening I made a point to hug her and tell her I wanted her to be happier because it made me sad when she was so down. I told her she was one of the best people I knew and she lit up and said "really?!" I told her yes, she was one of the most kind-hearted people I knew and it made me sad when she was sad. She said, "I never thought of it that way before". She told me she would start smiling more and talking less sadly. I hope she does because if she doesn't I might need to tell her mom about her behavior because I want to make sure she's OK.

My heart full of love again, I am ready for a new week.